The Extinction of Empathy

First off, I need to preface this with saying I am no emeritus professor of empathy. I am a mere human and these are just my observations and experiences with empathy. I am not a perfect representation of empathy. I never will be a perfect representation of empathy.

But – isn’t empathy really something? It oft bounces around in my mind, especially with the current social climate as well as my chosen career. I reminisce on a time before I really understood what it is empathy accomplishes. Inevitably – as many things do – it makes me think of my dad. Looking back I am not sure if my father’s ‘punishment’ style was particularly orthodox, but it is something I have grown to admire. I maybe was spanked a handful of times, seemingly out of jest. I have no recollection of my father ever being angry with me, only ever disappointed. As I come to know it, disappointment is way worse.

There are a few words and phrases my father iterated to me regularly whilst growing up – yes, he has many quirky sayings outside of this context. By few, I literally mean two that really stick out to me. But these two ‘catchphrases’ so-to-speak arguably can fit any plight someone might be facing. The first being: “self-fulfilling prophecy.” I cannot even begin to express to you how frequently my father has spoken these hopeful words to me, almost to the point of disgust. Still to this day it is something he continues to impress upon me. If ever I am being negative, exhibiting self-doubts, being hyper-critical of myself or my situation – hello, this is my baseline – he says nothing more than “self-fulfilling prophecy.” Conversation over. Truly – what more needs to be said at that point? The grass is greener where you water it and the Law of Attraction is real.

And now to the nitty gritty – his second words of wisdom were simply this: “You need empathy.” Yikes. Nothing is more psychological than you making some form of mistake and your father stabbing you directly in the heart with “you need empathy.” While I will say I largely avoided getting into trouble at most costs, if I was being disciplined by my mother, I was cool as a cucumber. Bless her, but she has a temper. Anger can be easily dispelled [and discredited. sorry mom, I love you]. Everything was peaches if my mom was doing the bidding. But, my dad? No thank you, come again never. I would get sent to my room – at first thought, a wonderful opportunity to continue with the mounds of books in which to delve – until it was time to talk. My dad would come in, turn off the lights (probably so I would stop reading and pay attention). He would pull up my desk chair, take a seat, and sit in silence for a while. Then, just as I am tortured into wondering where this all is headed, he would ask me “why do you think you’re in trouble?” Not “what did you do wrong,” but why is it wrong? Why was it wrong to lie? Why was it wrong to be late to curfew? Why was it wrong to call my mom a bitch? [ <– this was a real problem in my house for a while. sorry mom, I love you]. Why was it wrong to ignore someone else’s suffering because I had my own things of which to worry? Why was it wrong to make fun of someone? Why was it wrong to be disrespectful? Why, why, why? At the root of all these why’s: I need empathy.

Is this why ultimately when I reached middle school/high school that I had the thoughts that a life filled with empathy was the only life worth living? I do not know. What I do know is I came to the conclusion that if everyone focused on making sure the needs of the people around them were met, everyone’s needs would be met.

No one would be without food.

No one would be without home.

No one would be without healthcare.

No one would be without support.

Not just support in the fundamental sense, but everyone would be supported in the manner in which they need. This would be utopia, but why can’t this be the goal?

The status of our current culture is all “me, me, me” instead of “we, we, we.” As of today, we are amidst a global pandemic. We have forest fires raging across California. We have more intense hurricanes devastating the gulf. We have racial injustice. We have a global hunger epidemic. We have an Earth that is begging us to change our actions. We have people without homes. We have people who do not have access to healthcare.

I am very fortunate to not personally experience many of the hardships and inequalities. It would be easy for me to sit here and disengage. But if I open my eyes and look up, I see a world devoid of empathy. I see a world lacking in compassion. I see a world unable to look up from their screens long enough to see the world is so much bigger and greater. I see a lot less people taking the road less-travelled. I am sure I have lost some of you because of politics, but I urge you to consider these situations out of the context of politics and instead in the context of empathy. Simply put yourself in someone else’s shoes that may be directly experiencing some of these hardships – what needs would you require? How could we help you? What if people were willing to help? What is keeping you from being the one to help?

Because this is not something I am perfect in either and this blog is not meant to exhibit a superiority complex, I am continuing to challenge myself to become a more empathetic and engaged individual. To not only listen, but to really hear. To respect the boundaries people set. I am pushing myself toward a more sustainable lifestyle utilizing less plastic and continuing recycling. I will continue to give to the homeless as I am able. I will continue random acts of kindness. I will challenge myself to avoid collective labels. I will continue to educate myself on the racial injustices and what can be done to change them. I will educate myself on my opposition and really listen to opposing viewpoints to better understand their conclusions. I will consider how I affect others. I will strive for peace and understanding instead of exhibiting my standard fit of rage at terrible drivers.

These are issues of humanity.

We need empathy.

xx, lauren.