This time of year has me thinking a lot about turning points in my life and what that means. I’m not sure why, but 09.22 has been a date that seems to come with a lot of growth and a lot of big changes for me. Regardless if I am just reading into the date or I have confirmation bias, it still holds true. As I’m nearing this date – with all of my current life changes in tow – I find myself reflecting. 09.22 has seemingly been a day that I thought was going to break me, but ended up becoming my strength. I really used to dread this day. But here we are, creating strength out of vulnerability.
09.22.2006
This was the start of my first real relationship. Was I young? Yes. Very. And I wasn’t at all prepared for what this relationship would do to me mentally, physically, or psychologically. It put me on a path that was difficult to escape, I will admit. It is something I keep returning to, though, because it was the start of my journey of self-discovery. Of personal growth. Of accepting that bad things can happen to good people.
And that the past only has as much power as you let it.
But I became who I am today because of this relationship in a lot of ways and I really love that for me. I had some of my lowest lows because of this day. I spent many years not feeling like myself. Feeling lost. Questioning life and it’s purpose. Wondering if I was worthy of what I wanted or even just worthy enough to make it to tomorrow. I spent years knowing I was grieving something, but not understanding what it even was. I am forever thankful for the people who stood in my corner as I discovered my own trauma and those that guided me to the right resources. I am forever in your debt. I always thought I wanted an apology (which I did end up getting). I thought maybe sorry would fix it all. What I really wanted was to be me again.
I don’t want to focus too much on this negative narrative, though. The focus is strength. Once you start talking openly about some things in which you’ve experienced, they start releasing their hold on you. It can feel like you’re trapped in your own cage of despair, but you are always in control of the lock. I thought this would break me. I really did. But all of a sudden, I started working through it. I gave my trauma a name. I placed blame on who deserves it – turns out, the blame was not mine. And it’s not yours either. I stopped viewing emotions as counterproductive and instead I felt them. That was the hardest lesson, and one in which I am still working daily (and one I honestly just recently started working on in general). Turns out emotional pain is really painful. Whether you deal with it as it comes up or it comes out in the wash, pain demands to be felt in some way or another. Shout out to Leslie for iterating to me over and over that emotions are just feedback to our external world. We can just feel what we feel and that is enough.
I’m no longer a self-proclaimed emotionless robot. I may feel sadness, but I also know that’s because I’m experiencing the world. The world isn’t meant to have happiness everyday. It’s okay if I just need to lay in bed and cry because that’s my comfort place. I deserve to give myself grace too. One reminder that’s been giving me strength lately is from a book called Bravey by Alexi Pappas (which I 10/10 recommend to all). Her coach related it more to training professionally as a runner, but I find it applying to everyday life just as simply. Not everyday is meant to be a good day. 1/3 of your days should be good days. 1/3 of your days should be okay days. 1/3 of your days should be bad days. Yes, I said should. Why? Because everyday cannot be good. If everyday is a great day, maybe you’re not challenging yourself enough. But too many bad days? Maybe you’re working yourself a little too hard and deserve some rest or some people are sapping up all of your positive energy. If you’re always riding the middle train, maybe you need to find a new hobby that lights you up or take on a new and challenging experience. It’s okay to switch up the program. It’s okay to realize that you can’t afford negative energy sometimes. But I think the important reminder is this all is just a tool to help guide your experience. Accepting good, meh, and bad days for what they are is just as important. Everything is about balance.
I now allow myself the opportunity to feel everything…deeply. And honestly, I hate it. It’s really hard for me, but I never want to stop experiencing the world for what it is. I don’t want to stop being vulnerable to the world because I am afraid of being sad or rejected. I now and forever will tell you how I feel and I will be honest. I open up about my human experience. I love you. I miss you. I am really feeling myself today. I am sad. I love how strong I am. Today is hard for me. Dang, I look really good. I cannot handle this alone. I am rare in the best way. I need to hug my dog. I am smart. I don’t deserve that. I have such a kind heart. My mental state cannot afford this. I am one of the most dedicated people I know. I am not perfect and that is okay.
Strength really does come from vulnerability. I am so proud of myself.
9.22.2011
This was a fun one. Excited freshman, starting college at Michigan State, experiencing independence for the first time (and honestly loving it), learning what it’s like to be a student AND an athlete until – BAM. Literally. I got hit by a car. Talk about a derailment.
Long story short, I was okay, but I did suffer a pretty severe concussion that ultimately led to post-concussive syndrome. I had figured out how much ibuprofen to take to alleviate my headache long enough to take an exam that next Monday and then I spent the next 2 weeks in a dark room, not going to classes, taking around the clock medicine to cure an incurable headache. My personality changed. I became reckless. That was a weird one. After 2 weeks, if symptoms of concussion don’t resolve, it is protocol for Michigan State athletes to see a neurologist. I’ll never forget my first appointment: I was playing with finger puppets at age 18 as if I was 5 and the top of his note said “MVA vs. Bike.” I knew I’d be seeing a neurologist, I did not – however – anticipate meeting someone who would continue to be a great influence to me to this day. Dr. Kaufman – wowzas. I know I’ve already thanked you a whole heck of a lot, but there’s never enough thank you’s in the world, in my opinion. Anyway, he diagnosed me with post-concussive syndrome. He started me on medication for my headaches. I continued to stay at MSU until I missed too many classes and I was too far behind. He guided me into seeing a psychiatrist that I continued to see throughout my undergraduate studies for underlying depression (see above) and also to help manage my new and very big change of dropping out of school for the semester to take care of my brain. I felt like my world was ending. No more school. No more athletics. Just going home to sleep and take care of an intangible injury. I lost at least 15 pounds. For the first few weeks, I didn’t sleep a wink. Then, I was sleeping over 12 hours every night and if I got anything less than that, I was too tired to function. I tried to learn the piano because I wanted to work both sides of my brain at once. I had a headache nonstop for 7 months. I couldn’t exercise. To say I felt like I lost myself is an understatement.
But I went back with a newly-found interest in the brain. I changed my major to Neuroscience. I shadowed Dr. Kaufman and he became one of my most dedicated mentors. I began working in an adult foster care for people with traumatic brain injuries. I went to medical school. I acquired another amazing mentor and role model within child neurology. I got accepted into residency in Child Neurology at Mayo Clinic. I resolved to put forth all of my effort into my goals and living life to the fullest, because life really is short. And it sometimes it takes a really long time to bounce back from things like this, so I was learning patience at the same time. This led me to fully commit to pursuing pole vaulting and ultimately led me to become a Big Ten champion. With further resolve and dedication? Becoming a 2020(1) Olympic Trials Finalist as a doctor.
I’m not sure if my life path would have brought me exactly here if it hadn’t been so supremely kicked off-course like that. It’s a weird thing to say, but I am so thankful to have gotten hit by a car.
The universe really does have a plan.
09.22.2021
There are other years I could take notice of, but in reality, these are enough. This deep dive into reflecting was important to me, because it led to a lot of reminders I needed in my current circumstances. A lot happened to me all at once and I dove headfirst into all of it (as I tend to), but sometimes diving leads to drowning. I spent all of April, May, and June traveling across the country trying to make this pole vault dream of mine come to life. Turns out, that’s exhausting. Once I got back from the Trials, I think I slept 16 hours and it honestly wasn’t enough. I really do like to go-go-go, but I am not a machine. Hell, even machines need to be turned off and back on every now and again to reset. I think I still need to be shut down. I moved away from the safety net of my family and everything I’ve known. I’m ending chapters in books I’ve been writing for a long time. I’m grieving futures I thought could be mine. I’m grieving the loss of my grandmother (keep dancing up there, sunshine). I’m missing family weddings, game nights, wine tours, and will miss holidays. Cooper – as usual – has been having health issues. AND, residency is weird. It takes up all of your time, including your free-time. There are a lot of expectations, which I do believe to be important. We are doctors after all. But there seems to be some disconnect between finding humanity within ourselves amidst the hustle and bustle and taking a step back when we need it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my program, I love my people, I love the experiences, but across the board residency (and everything else) is just… a big adjustment. I say adjustment because it is going to get better once I figure out how to navigate it all. I will say, I am also having a great deal of fun. I am making friends left and right and they are amazing people that I cannot wait to continue to grow close to. I am trying (and sometimes failing) at continuing my important friendships I’ve made before this. PS I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH. I am taking surfing lessons, rock climbing, riding my bike, and exploring Jax with my favorite boy, and honestly eating a lot of tacos. I WENT SKYDIVING! I am starting to fill my time with CrossFit, which is an excellent outlet and comes with amazing people. Family time looks different, but we still group FaceTime and I still get to mediate my brother and sister-in-law’s weird discussions as the deciding vote of who is right. I started asking strangers to take pictures of me peeling eggs. 2021 brought me so many things and I am so glad today has me reflecting on it and providing an opportunity to further a life of gratitude and acceptance for both the good and the bad. I can’t say that today will end up being some life-altering great experience, but I can and will continue to use my past as a reminder of potential in the future. And really, I wouldn’t trade any of this for the world. Today, I am living and being my most authentic self and I am so proud of that. And I’m going to keep telling myself that until I believe that with my entire being. I really am taking in everything life has to offer me.
09.22.20XX
I can’t wait to see what this day holds for me in the future. So many turning points of life can happen at the end of a growing season. I hope I continue to grow in this perspective and use this day to ground me in it. Seasons of life all serve a purpose and viewing it with a microscope – as we often do amid the day-to-day – is too narrow. Both time and perspective provide the macro scale that is required to view it this way, but knowing and trusting that being too close to the picture takes away focus from the entire scene is comforting in a sense. A small spider on rose petal might be scary and feel unsafe, but if you only focus on that, you might fail to realize it’s actually on a beautiful rose and that rose is part of an entire growing and flowing garden filled with dahlias and sunflowers. There will be weeds, but does that really take away from the garden as a whole? I don’t know where I’ll be 09.22.2025 or 09.22.2053, but what I do know is it’s going to be one hell of a garden I get to cultivate.
I am going to revel in all of it.
xx, lauren
First official day of Fall. Back home in Michigan the seasons change and the leaves start to change revealing a host of new colors. Sounds like your life right now, a changing and growing experience. Prayers for your health and energy levels to allow you to accomplish all your dreams!!
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. James 1:2-3.
Those who meant evil, God meant it for good!
Love you, Arla